Geeks & Greeks
(Relentless Goat Productions, 2016)
It's Good Will Hunting meets Animal House in this high-tech battle royale when two of MIT's smartest students square off in an escalating war of pranks and egos. Jim Walden is an underachieving freshman with a knack for mischief and a secret that could end his career before it begins. Luke Bardolf is a gruff alpha-nerd senior on a mission to pull the ultimate prank and maintain dominance over his fraternity. When their rivalry comes to a head, it will take all of Jim's creativity and resourcefulness to save his scholarship, his friendships, his girlfriend, and his dream of becoming an astronaut. Inspired by actual events.
If You Jam the Copier, Bolt
(Andrews McMeel, 2001)
If You Jam the Copier, Bolt is a handy guide to career destruction for corporate burnouts everywhere. Unlike the career success secrets promised by other business gurus, the only thing I promise is that if you follow my advice, you will go out with a bang. With over four hundred ways to sink your career and bring others down with you, this book will have you laughing all the way to the unemployment line. Don't climb the corporate ladder – kick that bad boy over!
Excerpts:
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When your boss asks what you've done today say, "Well, the Pushpin Brigade led by General White-Out has crushed the Paper Clip Uprising, but Sergeant Stapler still won't surrender Fort Keyboard."
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Schedule "Employee Appreciation Day" for November 31.
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Carry a folder labeled "My Grudge List" containing perceived injustices and slights committed against you by your colleagues. Carry it with you and review it often and conspicuously. Scribble in it furiously during performance reviews.
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Conduct scientific experiments at work, like how much is "too much" coffee, how long can a glue stick survive the microwave, and how many sheets of paper does it take to permanently jam the three hole punch?
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When assigning boring tasks to your staff, inspire them with "A hundred years from now, it won't matter what your bank account was, what kind of house you lived in, or what kind of car you drove, but the world may be a little bit nicer because you took the time to scrape chewing gum off the parking lot."
The Little Book of Bad Business Advice
(St. Martin's Paperbacks, 1997)
You've tried the traditional tactics in the business world, read countless self-help books promising career success, and where has it gotten you? It's time for a new approach. My Little Book of Bad Business Advice is more productivity-sapping than Facebook and ten-thousand times cheaper than a Harvard MBA. It's a classic in the field of office heinousness. Buy one for yourself and one for your nimrod boss. Besides, a portion of the profits go to charity. The rest I will squander in a series of foolish get-rich-quick schemes, as usual. Damn!
Excerpts:
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Show up at your company's Toastmasters meeting with a loaf of bread and a stick of butter and act really confused.
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Tell coworkers, "That's not how we did it at my old company," at least once a day.
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End every business meeting with the admonition, "Remember, we never had this discussion."
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Tell your staff not to think of you as a boss, but as a fellow colleague – a colleague who just happens to be right all the time.
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Only use the bathroom in that obscure part of the building and be real secretive about it.
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Always have a back-up plan. For example, if your project fails, your back-up plan can be: "I'll be fired, lose my home and family, live in a refrigerator box under the bridge, and curse the day I was born."
Joke Express: Instant Delivery of 1,424 Funny Bits from the Best Comedians
(Edited by Judy Brown, Andrews McMeel, 2006)
Joke Express collects 1,424 hysterical musings from America's top comedians, including David Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Conan O'Brien, Mitch Hedberg, and Chris Rock. Somehow I managed to weasel my way in, too.
Excerpts:
May Contain Nuts: A Very Loose Canon of American Humor
(Edited by Michael J. Rosen, HarperCollins, 2004)
From the most trusted name in American humor (Michael J. Rosen), comes the third volume in the critically-acclaimed Mirth of a Nation series. May Contain Nuts: A Very Loose Canon of American Humor includes work by humorists Roy Blount, Jr., Henry Alford, P.J. O'Rourke, Michael Ian Black, Harmon Leon, and yours truly.
Essays
My humor essays have been published in dozens of magazines and newspapers, including the Boston Phoenix, Capital Style, Funny Times, the Los Angeles Times, Penthouse, P.O.V., Salon, The Christian Science Monitor, The Washington Post, and The Writer. Many of these essays can be found on my blog, "Steve Altes: Obscure in Many Fields."
